I’m almost always late, I always arrive late. Mentally or physically, I barely make it on time, and I guess that is what I did and I’m still doing wrong in my life, I believe that it is the only thing I should be blamed for.
If holding onto the moments of utmost joy is okay, then it is okay to remember the most embarrassing days too. Often, I get lost in regrets, often I sit in the present to analyse and criticise what I have done in the past. I found myself lost in my yesterday. That is why I arrived very late for my today.
I have known for years that writing soothes me, but I never write constantly. For years I could sense my path, but I was too tired to walk on it and ended up sitting in the passenger seat in the car of my life. Not that I do not love my life, but I wish to change a lot. Almost everything in my life now is telling me that my twenties are for trial and error like for everyone else and life starts at thirty but stupid me is still not believing that, I keep on saying that this thought is only good if I want to console my messy self, Today I’m so embarrassed by the things in which I’m failing at and I’m so obsessed with the things i did well that I’m slowly building my personality and life around it, it is pathetic that I’m failing to see that in this race of perfect and sorted life, I’m kind of not living any. I’m just citising my past to create a perfect future without putting any emphasis on today’s learning.
It is so sad that I too am in the race, and you know what’s sadder - that there is no competition, there is no finishing line and no blinging trophy but only the memories of my twenties where I was young but not too much, I was surely far from old but almost an adult-adult! My face had no wrinkles, and I could digest an enormous amount of mixed alcohol. In my teenage years I thought I'd be different when in my twenties and now I think the same about my thirties, but the question is why is it so important to change in a “right” way that we forget we are where we once wanted to be and that is the biggest accomplishment?! I wonder when I will learn to accept that change is only constant and sometimes that certain constant is the other name of that thing, we want the most- peace of mind which we have been looking for everywhere!
It’s right here alongside all the worries of this age and I have been neglecting what’s important, focusing on what’s not. How foolish of me and you!